Beard Revue

Robin Pecknold, Casey Wescott and Joshua Tillman
8.9 average

As you already know, the beardy goodness of the Fleet Foxes rests firmly on the shoulders maxillae of frontman Robin Pecknold, keyboardist Casey Wescott and drummer Joshua Tillman.

Pecknold’s timbre reminds me of a beardy from my old stomping grounds. And the fluidity with which the band plays is just perfect for countless occasions. But this is no music blog. These guys have damn svelt beards to write about!

This unified front of Fleet Foxes has a beardosity of incredible proportions. They shift keratin coverage duties from member to member depending on their environment — like a group some kind of scifi beard chameleons. They’ve been documented with big beards, short beards, stubble and more on two, three and four band members just via Flickr. My suspicion is that Fleet Foxes have a myriad of barbarous combinations too exhausting to count. As a whole, they are to beardage what Bruce Lee was to martial arts.

That’s not to say Fleet Foxes are perfect. They aren’t. Scraggly and, some might claim, inconsistent, there are some flaws.

Rather than focus on inconsistency, I say note the variety. Like voices harmonizing in perfect pitch with the universe, these Cascadian beards will stop you in your tracks. Each hue a tone, each length a volume and every follicle the physical manifestation of individual wooly angel choir members.

And for the win: they follow in the tradition of the highly regarded lumberjack beard oft found in the Pacific Northwest.

8.1

Galavanting around town with his extended Amish beard, doing handstands on vans, playing high school roundball and checking out the high school queen bee’s chest in the locker room — this is what it was like to be Michael J. Fox in his teens when he was 24. And it’s that stellar Amish-ness that is of utmost import.

Wild. Uninhibited. Crazy. Ferocious. Absolutely stunning. That about sums up the nature of the beastly beard. At any moment it may sprout, growing from 0 to 20 cm in less than a second. And next to Samson, Fox’s wulfberd is one of the most empowering beards in folklore. Standing only 5’4.5”, the power of the beard enabled the homunculus to dunk on a standard basketball rim. Awesome.

Not to nitpick, but Fox’s jaw growth is hardly featured. His brow, arms, legs and nearly everything else contribute to the overall putting-Baby-in-the-corner effect. Bummer.

Spanish Teen Wolf surfs down the street…

Postscript: Werewolves are awesome. Also, happy birthday to Michael J. Fox!

8.1

Brendan Canning is a founding member of Broken Social Scene (with a new album coming out), a pretty well-bearded group of musicians from Canada. Canning meets the requirements of the indie beard, but more significantly represents the beard of Irish descent.

Sure, Conan had a beard, but the successful Irish beard is still a great find. So often are their faces bare that it takes a minute to sink in — it’s like spotting an elusive bearded unicorn.

The range in cheek and lip is from auburn to persimmon depending on the light. But the chin is a wild card, sprouting forth buff bristles — a brilliant and unique element amongst a solid collective. The stache is always in full bloom, protecting Canning’s top lip. The straighter plumage of his beard dutifully parries his oft moppy hair.

Canning’s beard makes me long for the days I was part of a Canadian beard collective…

“Fire Eye’d Boy” by Broken Social Scene. It’s full of meta references and the Captain’s giant beard.

“Dear Mom, I feel light as a feather these days. My anxieties are fleeing like pollen from a cherry tree in spring…”

6.0

George Lucas, the man behind Star Wars and Indiana Jones, is a man with a very consistent beard. The famous director has sported the full beard with minor variation for decades, ranging from dark and neck-inclusive to a grandfatherly white affair. Interestingly, his mustache has resisted the trend towards whitening established by the rest of the beard and has stoicly retained a certain darkness. There is no documentation of any beard length experimentation throughout the years, which is certainly regrettable. Indeed, Mr. Lucas’s plumage has remained short and well-trimmed, but must be regarded as undeniably dependable.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Ian Mierau, author of this review.

10.0

Full beard, natural. These are the stipulations by which you must abide to become the most admired champion at the World Beard and Moustache Championships held biannually around the world. (The next competition will be held in Ancorage, 23 May 2009.)

It may seem as thought the Beard Revue has become awfully liberal with its 10.0 offering. On the contrary — there are just a lot of admirable beards out there that warrant the highest praise. And this one is no exception.

Passion has a passion for is an avid beard-wearer. The rich red hue with golden highlights are painted with a master’s brush. Draping like a weeping willow past collar, shoulder and chest, the pilose jaw is a national treasure.

Men have crossed traffic to further inspect, admire and compliment this beard. Women have offered their loins. Judges from around the globe have conferred a third prize in ought five and championship of the world in ought seven. Nearly five years in the making, Passion’s beard is truly one of the greatest living specimens out there.

On his web site, Passion answers a few questions regarding the barba maximus. His wise-beyond-the-years answer to Does it itch? (a question I often field) is my favorite:

You know how a cut itches as it heals? Consider your face healing. It will get better with time.

Thanks to Phil Olsen, Beard Team USA’s captain, for suggesting the review (it was overdue).

0.6

Kurt Cobain was the face of Nirvana, and the face of Nirvana could have done with a better beard. Chalk it up to teenage angst or to depression, but the beard was seriously lacking. There’s no denying that the man was a very talented musician and lyricist. His band deeply influenced the direction that rock music was to take over the next decade. Regardless, the beard needs help. Perhaps some cheek hair to connect the Van Dyke with the sideburns. Maybe some extended time without trimming so close.

Sigh… its no use. He died a long time ago.

How depressing.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Ian Mierau, author of this review.

3.2

Sam “Am I Mayor Yet?” Adams once had a beard. True story.

But now, as he prepares to make the journey from bike-happy City Commissioner to Mayor, we probably won’t be seeing much of that beard. To the chagrin of The Great Portland Beard Community, his public duty face has interfered with his best face.

Of course, it does not bode one well to don a political beard these days (as previously reported here, here and here). Adams clearly has picked up on this. His bare face is on every weekly rag and on the cover of The Oregonian often enough these days. The confounding thing is:

Portland* loves a beard; so why would Adams shave his Clooneybeard when everyone in the Rose City is actually encouraged to grow a beard? The answer is simple: you haven’t emailed tweeted him enough to let him know you care.

How about the mug moss itself? Well, ’twas limping and barely alive. Clooney did it better. He might as well be Ryan the Temp’s numero uno fan. Aside from the strong, grey-flecked chin, this shorty lacks poise. Giving great consideration to potential, Adams still falls below the half-way mark. Bummer, dude.

Thankfully his transportation policy is a little stronger than his barbation policy. Join Adams in his first public appearance as mayor-elect at the Vera Katz Park dedication and community celebration tomorrow (Thursday 29 May).

* Portland, Oregon, is indeed a beard haven. The curious yet harmonious balance between lumberjacks, academics, musicians and hipsters makes it a welcome environment indeed.

10.0

He’s on a quest for every beard type. He has achieved several.

I’ve been growing a beard every winter for some years now, and every spring, I try to see how many facial hair variations as I can check off from the chart of facial hair types. Listed below are descriptions of the 34 facial hair types from the chart, including examples of the 19 24 variations that I’ve been able to attain so far.

Enjoy!

If that’s awesomer than you expected from any ol’ beardy, join the party. It almost had me questioning my commitment. But recognize that the pursuit of beardliness is a personal journey and be content and comfortable with your own.

9.3

According to Wikipedia,

John Muir (April 21, 1838 – December 24, 1914) was one of the first modern preservationists. His letters, essays, and books telling of his adventures in nature, and wildlife, especially in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California, were read by millions and are still popular today. His direct activism helped to save the Yosemite Valley and other wilderness areas. The Sierra Club, which he founded, is now one of the most important conservation organizations in the United States. His writings and philosophy strongly influenced the formation of the modern environmental movement.

The man was a firm believer in preserving the natural environment. Looking at his beard it is easy to see that love of nature manifested in his mane of a beard. Long and shaped to flow over his chin and down his shirt, Muir’s beard avoids complicated poofiness and simply hangs there. John Muir set an example for all nature lovers with a beard that exemplifies, nay, defines the natural state of a man’s face.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Ian Mierau, author of this review.

9.3

Kimbo Slice is big, burly and will crush you. Kimbo Slice’s beard is bigger, burlier and will crush youer.

Kevin Ferguson, a.k.a. Kimbo Slice, is a Miami, Florida-based underground fighter turned mixed martial arts fighter.

The beard is appreciated instantly when it invokes and evokes the spirit of manliness. And, as manliness is spelled T-U-F-F, Slice is exactly the kind of embassador for manly beardliness we dream about. Unlike some beardies, this guy could actually hide a few fists in his beard.

This brutal barb is no-nonsense and straightforward, to the point that Slice’s head hair is completely obsolete (he’s mostly bald and he wears a do-rag bringing the focus front and center). It pads the impact of a rarely-landed punch, frightens off aggressors, is sensitive enough to pick up a single blade of grass yet strong enough to rip the branches off a tree, is waterproof and will eat your babies.

Acknowledgement: Thanks to Thommy for the help!